The joke thread, pics are not necessary

[Buug959]

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St

Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.

Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in.”

The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.

I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of 'em tormenting this girl.”

“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me

So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.

Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'”

St Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”

“Oh, about two minutes ago.”

[M5Rick]

The cost of living has got so bad, I have a friend who used to live in a spare tyre....
He got a puncture and now lives in a flat.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

The cost of living has got so bad, I have a friend who used to live in a spare tyre....
He got a puncture and now lives in a flat.

FYI, the term "flat" as in a dwelling is not commonly used on this side of the pond. Punny none the less.....

[M5Rick]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

FYI, the term "flat" as in a dwelling is not commonly used on this side of the pond. Punny none the less.....

Indeed it is I believe referred to as 'condo'' (for short) or 'apartment' there.

[vreihen16]

Originally Posted by M5Rick

Indeed it is I believe referred to as 'condo'' (for short) or 'apartment' there.

An apartment is usually a one-floor rental.

A townhouse is a multi-floor rental.

A condominium is one of the above that you own like a regular house.

There's also a co-op, but I'm skipping that one.....

[Esteban]

Originally Posted by vreihen16

An apartment is usually a one-floor rental.

A townhouse is a multi-floor rental.

A condominium is one of the above that you own like a regular house.

There's also a co-op, but I'm skipping that one.....

I always thought the difference between a condo and a townhouse was the first is one-story and the latter is multi-story. Maybe I'm wrong.

[Esteban]

One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," Jim said.

That evening, Jim came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams.”

[MassWholeBimmer]

A Valentines day love story. One day late...


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night.

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

[Buug959]

There are 99 Blonds on a plane and 1 Brunette.

The captain radios in that they are going down, So they drop all the luggage.

They were still going down so they drop out all the chairs.

They were still going down so they dropped the floor.

So they are hanging by their hands from the top on the plane with no floor.

So the captain say’s “1 person jump out” the Brunette say’s “I’ll sacrifice my life”, and all the Blonds start clapping.

[Buug959]

What did one saggy boob say to the other?


We'd better start getting some support around here or people are gonna think we're nuts.

[JimmyJazz]

An old motorcycle joke from the the days of leather seals and cork gaskets.
Why don’t the British make TV’s?
Because they can’t make them leak oil!

[vreihen16]

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?

A: Lucas refrigerators.....

[Esteban]

What do you need to be able to drive in the outback?

You need to show koala-fications.

[M5Rick]

Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?

He was looking for Pluto.

[Esteban]

Did you hear about the pregnant bedbug?

She’s having her babies in the spring.

[Llarry]

My wife yelled from the other room, "Do you ever have stabbing pains like somebody is stabbing a voodoo doll of you?"

"Nope" I replied.

"How about now?" she said.

[BMWGUYinCO]

Man, nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

[Esteban]

A few jokes from the internet about us older folks

What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior? Cremation.

I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.

Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time.

One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends… because they can’t remember them.

Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.

Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck…

I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.

[M5Rick]

Some people think smoking is blowing smoke, but i think it's a real drag.

[Buug959]

People will be shocked when they discover how bad an electrician I am.

[sygazelle]

Originally Posted by Buug959

People will be shocked when they discover how bad an electrician I am.

Why, isn't your electrical contractors license current?

[snowbimmer]

Originally Posted by sygazelle

Why, isn't your electrical contractors license current?

Oh, I get it. Took me a sec. Then I laughed and laughed. These jokes get me all amped up.