Dating - Good/Bad Experiences

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Again, low hanging fruit.
The asshole would've used any other excuse (say you showed up in a Ford pinto and he was driving a Ferrari, he would've used that).

The fact people are racist or appear racist wouldn't change with the talk, would it? That was the question I posed.

So if you're "poor" and only date "rich" girls, would you have the talk with them then? To prevent them from being surprised when hit on by other assholes in bars saying "what are you doing with this loser, I have a Ferrari" when you go to the washroom?

Thanks for finding an excuse to justify his behavior. Even in light of actual evidence your post shows that you seem to believe there is no actual evidence of racism. I'm baffled by this.

Are you familiar with the aphorism, "Forewarned is Forearmed"? This is a way I conduct my life and attempt to provide every eventuality that I can for those whom I spend time with. As I've stated before, I had a good friend who left the area because of this type of ugliness towards he and his wife at first and his kids later. What is the reason for the ugliness directed towards he and his wife? Are they very sensitive and misunderstanding or does this type of racism actually exist?

I'm saddened by the excuses seemingly given to deflect/excuse this BS. As I said before, by gf didn't believe that this didn't exist and had her world turned upside down the first time it happened. This isn't the first time, only the latest.

I'd actually like answers to the two aforementioned questions.
Cheers-mk

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by DETRoadster

You know what upsets me most about this? The fact that you are so calm and rational in how you handled the situation and describe it here in your post. It tells me this is about the 10 millionth time you've had to deal with this sort of thing and that's just so sad and wrong.

What baffles me is that the guy gave you his number and given your mutual friends it's no mystery to you who he is or how to find him. Then he has the balls (stupidity?) to use that term with your lady friend, who obviously doesn't share those views. In what way does that situation work out for that guy?

If you need a 15 yard dump truck of steaming manure ordered up to his house, just hit me up. Happy to help.

Thanks. He was pretty tipsy and gave him my number before the entire sordid mess occurred. I also have his. He's been banned from the restaurant. The bartender told the management team and he was done.

Cheers-mk

[DETRoadster]

Originally Posted by MKSixer

Thanks. He was pretty tipsy and gave me his number before the entire sordid mess occurred. I also have his. He's been banned from the restaurant. The bartender told the management team and he was done.

Cheers-mk

Situation handled with complete and total class. Not one bit surprised given what I know of your character.

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Maybe you're a little emotional so I'll let you recover your rational capacity.

Attacking me is not the way to go.
I have not justified any behaviour. I actually asked you a question many times and you haven't answered it.

But it's ok, perhaps the whole question is rhetorical anyway at this point.

Cheers and sorry if I offended you with a question. Wasn't the intention. And maybe read less into what someone thinks or believes, as you implied I think what the guy did is not racism or "justified".

I'm not at all emotional. This is no wild screed. I'm asking you to answer 4 simple questions. Directly. Can you do so? I'd greatly appreciate it.

You said that it was low hanging fruit and I countered that there was another way to hit on my gf without moving in that direction. People have hit on her without resorting to racist statements. Please take a look at the questions in my previous posts and provide an answer, if you choose to. I'd sincerely like to know how you rationalize this information.

Cheers-mk

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by DETRoadster

Situation handled with complete and total class. Not one bit surprised given what I know of your character.

It's the only way once you reach a certain age. I'm not going to change some clown who's been on the planet longer than I have about who I am. And a bar fight is such a cliche!!

Cheers, my friend-mk

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Not entirely sure what the 4 questions are, sorry. If you could help me structure them I would most certainly answer them right away. But I did ask 1 first, and you didn't answer it, correct? Not going to get hung on the fact that "I asked first", I would like to answer yours too.

Maybe you're missing my point. My point is, there's racism in the world, as there is bigotry and other bad things.
My question was, how is it that having "the talk" would help your case. I namely suggested the "poor/rich" scenario as a metaphor for the fact that your date is fully aware of who/what you are.
Having the talk about the obvious does not help what others will do.
If it would, how so? (That is THE question).

If she's going out with you, and is aware of who you are (black, white, poor, rich, thin, fat, bald, hairy) and is an adult, she will be able to make the decision herself and handle it on her own, surely?

That's my point. Not for racism, not justifying it, not lessening the importance of it.

I believe that I did answer your question: Forewarned is Forearmed. My friend stated that she couldn't believe this behavior didn't exist until it was in her face. She also told me that she was glad that we discussed prior to it happening the first time. At a very nice party.

That is my point.

Cheers-mk

[Turkish Pickle]

Originally Posted by Never_Enough

Must be one of these "open relationship" sluts. That seems to be the new fad now. Hard pass on those gems.

hard pass for a relationship yes, if they're in an "open relationship" i feel bad for the guy but then again i don't really. the mere suggestion of that to me is just a call to break up, there's some stuff i can put up with but being cucked is not one

besides at that point what really is the point of a relationship?

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

But how did that help the situation?

Do you believe in road signs in areas where there may be anomalistic dangers such as falling rocks or the potential for washouts in case of flash floods?

The theory is the same.

She was made aware of a situation may occur and was more clearly able to deal with it when it did. We've been out dozens of times in many different situations and it's occurred 2x. She was better able to manage the situation having been warned that it may happen. I was a Boy Scout.

Cheers-mk

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

That makes sense. Thanks. I'm skeptical about the effectiveness/downsides ratio of this approach as one cannot test both of them in the same scenarios (same people, same circumstances) so it's hard to say which would yield the best benefits. So I'll give it to you as you clearly have more experience in these, UNFORTUNATELY.

Now what questions didn't I answer my man? I'm sorry if I appear to not have answered them. I am enjoying the conversation and clarity we're all gaining from different perspectives here.

Cheers

Excellent. And thanks for your understanding. I appreciate your approach and requirement for rigor with respect to this issue.

Questions with context. The first two.
As I've stated before, I had a good friend who left the area because of this type of ugliness towards he and his wife at first and his kids later.

What is the reason for the ugliness directed towards he and his wife?

Are they very sensitive and misunderstanding or does this type of racism actually exist?

[MKSixer]

OnerDriver

Second set of questions, totaling 5 not 4 in context and highlighted. Sorry about the miscount and thanks for diving into this. I believe we may be the ultimate thread jackers.

Thread jack to sociological discussion.

Cheers-mk

Originally Posted by MKSixer

I find this quite interesting as my friend told me that she didn't believe things like this still happened until she started dating me. Is it confirmation bias or just increased situational awareness?

There were quite a few words he could have used to describe me but he went to that place. Why would he do that? If you can give me a satisfactory answer when I'm wearing a 1500 suit and I'm clearly intelligent based on our conversation. He could have simply state, "Hey, I'm sure he's a nice guy but if you ever get tired of him, hit me up...here's my number". I know this because it happens. Guys have hit on her before and I don't mind paying what I call the, "pretty girl tax". Guys hit on hot women. If you don't like it, don't date a hot woman. He chose to use a racially charged word. His choice. Nothing to do with me besides my phenotype.

What is the excuse for this? I'm asking quite seriously.

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

The reason is racism/bigotry. We're not arguing, I hope, that racism does exist. They're not sensitive or misunderstand.

My point was to identify if "the talk" would be beneficial in pre-empting some adult going in a scenario they're well aware of. I believe you made the point of elucidating to many that racism/bigotry exist.

I gave the examples of "poor/rich" not to justify any actions/behaviours, but rather to use them as metaphors for how pre-empting someone to something they, as adults, are already aware and do not care. Call it "naïvety", but sometimes I believe not being aware of the ugliness of the world is helpful.
e.g.: "what are you doing with this N, when you could be with a guy like me?" - "If you have to ask that question, you wouldn't understand what kind of person he is and why I am with him" as in "I do not care what you think of him, I like him for who he is", and case closed.

You contend that not being aware could be a potential blow and the person could not have all resources to deal with it immediately. I respect that.

I used a personal experience when I was the one pre-empted, and I did not feel particularly well-cared for (as in, I would prefer if the person herself had been naïve and not "self-aware" of the fact that, in hers and other people's eyes, I was the "different" one). Call me a dreamer. I like that expression that says that racism exists because we keep talking about it (in a sense of, nobody is different as we're all humans).

So if you would call that guy an "asshole" had he said to her "what are you doing with this poor guy, when I can give you all the jewelry you want", why can't you because he used your skin colour as reason for her not to be with you and to be with him?
The "low hanging fruit" sentence was to say that we, as humans, use whatever it is we find "detrimental" about someone else to influence others. He, as an asshole in this case, would've used any other "aspect" of you to influence her to screw him. It could be that you have a big nose, or are short, anything about you you cannot change, like your skin colour. Point was, how she would react to that in that scenario with or without being "warned".

It's not about pre-empting anyone else's behavior as we cannot control others. It is about having every possible tool to manage behavior in case the situation occurs.

Your parallelism between an intrinsic attribute of a human being vs externally acquired items is a bit thin, IMHO. I mean no offense to you.

The parallelism about noses or weight or stature is still a bit thin but better. Unfortunately the leading bits of ugliness in our country still resides around race. This is on both sides. The decision to use something so charged as race in this manner beggars belief.

Great response and I'm enjoying the discourse!

Cheers-mk

[MKSixer]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

I find this quite interesting as my friend told me that she didn't believe things like this still happened until she started dating me. Is it confirmation bias or just increased situational awareness?

I think you are definitely more aware of these situations as you experience them first-hand. My previous post talks about some "naïvety" that exists, and is confirmed by your date lack of awareness in this case.

There were quite a few words he could have used to describe me but he went to that place. Why would he do that? He's racist.

If you can give me a satisfactory answer when I'm wearing a 1500 suit and I'm clearly intelligent based on our conversation. He could have simply state, "Hey, I'm sure he's a nice guy but if you ever get tired of him, hit me up...here's my number". I know this because it happens. Guys have hit on her before and I don't mind paying what I call the, "pretty girl tax". Guys hit on hot women. If you don't like it, don't date a hot woman. He chose to use a racially charged word. His choice. Nothing to do with me besides my phenotype.

What is the excuse for this? There's no excuse. And many people think like him but do not convey the message with the same choice of words. He is racist and not ashamed of it (or drunk enough to let his inner thoughts out).

Again: we're not arguing that racism exists... Unfortunately it does, and I think it always will. If not "black or white", it is with some other form that humans create to create dissent and live in silos.

Thanks for taking the time and to your earlier point, we were discussing the finer points of this and not in complete disagreement. I see it from your point that it may be more comfortable to live without thinking of this odious behavior but I don't have that luxury.

I have really enjoyed this discussion and hope we can have more on BP OT of this nature. Respectful discourse.

Cheers-mk

[aozer]

Just made a tinder after a one year hiatus from dating. It’s mostly just for my trip to Germany next week, but we’ll see. Last time I tried to reactivate my account I deleted it within 24 hours.

[Turkish Pickle]

tinder works wonders if youre
1- just looking for hookups
2- not in turkey

1 is self explanatory, 2 is because turkish girls are supremely entitled
works fairly well at school though

[aozer]

Lol well I am half Turkish, but I tend to be more partial to Asians

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by Bayerische Motoren Werke

tinder works wonders if youre
1- just looking for hookups
2- not in turkey

1 is self explanatory, 2 is because turkish girls are supremely entitled
works fairly well at school though

I'm fugly. I rarely get anything off Tinder.

[Never_Enough]

I met a new one last night & shocker...another waste of time!

In her profile, she used "your" instead of "you're". My opening message to her was simply "You're*" You're 45, lady. You should know the difference by now.

She replied & we had a normal conversation & then exchanged numbers. This was Saturday. She couldn't come out to play then so we set a date for Monday. She texted me Sunday afternoon wanting to know if I would meet that evening.

Picked a local brewery and told her meet me there @ 6:30 PM & to let me know when she's on her way. She agrees.

Fast forward to 6 PM & no text. So I ask her if she is running late. 6:15 & she replies saying "Leaving now, sorry." Women, never on time.

Apparently there was an accident on the highway & she had to find another way blah blah. She finally arrives at 7:48. Thankfully, I was on top of it & asked her for her new ETA. No way was I going to wait outside or in there for her all night. It's so local I walked to the place.

She greets me with a handshake. I always find the handshake greeting for a date to be peculiar.

Proceed inside & chat & order our drinks & she gets nachos. Blah blah more normal talk until she busts out complaining about the correcting of her grammar. You'll also see her bitch about it in the pre-meet text message I have attached.

If this was such an issue for you, why did you not only reply in the 1st place, but then exchange numbers & agree to meet & then you whine about it shortly before our meeting too. Now you want to complain in person? Let. It. Go.

At that point, I was done. I said "This obviously isn't going anywhere, right?" She says yes & I get up & leave.

[King Rudi]

Originally Posted by OnerDriver

Awesome, thanks for being available for this discussion to happen. It is still related to the "bad dates" topic? Hopefully! Sorry for thread jacking!

Was that you that said your dad told you you were dealt a bad hand, play the game with it? I thought that was very inspirational and I remember it constantly.

I am sorry we have to live in a world where people try to inflict harm in some way or the other. Racism should have no place in this world, but I acknowledge it does, and I too experience it to some extent, which saddens me but we have to carry on.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, hard as they are. They are insightful and help us all think about how we act and react to these unfortunate episodes.

I'll try to bring the topic back on track if we digressed:

- Remember my BPD date? So I she simply ghosted me for like 3 weeks.
She had called me a narcissist as she claimed our relationship had started in a fashion too similar to a previous relationship she had had with a narcissist 3 years ago, which "broke her soul". Mind you, she's 37. She had told me her mother had some mental illness and was not around (she was raised by her dad, and her mom lived in another city far away).
I researched a lot about narcissism and how that is ingrained in you from how you're raised... Unlikely to become a narcissist or have your "soul broken" by one in your 30s... I for one am not broken now by her. Hurt, sure, but not broken.

In any case, I showed her how she was hurting me with stuff she was actually DOING to me, and asked her what I had done to her. She said I had not done anything, but because everything was TOO GOOD, she feared I'd turn and hurt her in the future. I laughed at first, but then realized she was referring by her ghosting of other people and stuff.

Long story short, I studied a lot about this (and that is why I asked our fellow member to share a bit more about his borderline personality disorder relationship) and learned a lot, and actually found a video of a girl that, through therapy, realized she had BPD (she had no sense of self, was always sad, felt people would abandon her, etc. all the same as my "girlfriend"). I sent that to her to see if we could talk about it, that she wasn't abandoned, that I cared for her. No response.

SO I decide to ask her via text if she'd be open to meeting last Friday. She replied saying she had no intention of ever meeting with me again, and that I should refrain from attempting any contact with her.
I had only reached out because I still cared for her, missed her, and would truly be willing to go through her betterment/therapy to make her happy (she is not happy, and has not been forever).
In these 3 weeks that she basically ghosted me, she visited my LinkedIn profile (to see if I had gotten another job in another city), my Facebook profile, answered an online Ad I had posted renting my apartment (asking if I had moved cities), and then sent me a text asking if I had moved cities. Basically "stalking me" to see where I had gone. She could've just called and asked how I was doing or something humane.

Long story long (LOL), I replied to her "never contact me again" with "You were the one stalking me, but OK. Why would you even stalk me to see where I ended up online, as asked if I had moved cities..." and immediately BLOCKED her number from my phone, and e-mail.

Saturday morning (yesterday) I get a call from the police saying that if I contact her again they would proceed with criminal charges!
I told the guy: "I'm fully aware, and I blocked her and I hope she stops stalking me as she has been doing, and I had to block her in every online social media/app I had, that I too would like to pursue charges if she did".

I have to hand it to her though: I always said that "ghosting" is inappropriate, the humane thing is to have an adult conversation and say what you want. "I don't want to continue this relationship because of A, B, and C."
The police call was the closure I needed. The bitch can die now.

From now on I'll be much more careful when engaging with women, I have had many bad experiences, but this one takes the cake of the crazy.

This sounds just like the demon spawn that I was married to. Funny how people that call other people narcissists are the ones who are in fact narcissists. In psychology I've heard of this being called projecting. Same theory in relationships as the one who is always accusing one of cheating is the one cheating. I've always found it comical how we as humans tell on ourselves if a person simply listens carefully.

Originally Posted by aozer

Just made a tinder after a one year hiatus from dating. It’s mostly just for my trip to Germany next week, but we’ll see. Last time I tried to reactivate my account I deleted it within 24 hours.

Used tinder twice. First time I had it for about a year and cleaned up. It was crazy. We're talking 100% close rate with everyone I matched with and my phone constantly dinged from this app. I shut my account down after a year. Two years later, I re-opened it and never got the first match and had it up for about 4 months. Crazy how the dating scene and people's desire to sleep with total strangers changes so quickly.

Originally Posted by Never_Enough

I'm fugly. I rarely get anything off Tinder.

That's no attitude to have sir. Even if you think it, never say it. It's good to have a firm understanding of who you are but to say you're fugly doesn't do you any good. On the opposite end, do you need to be model if you have nice cars and razor sharp wit?

[Never_Enough]

Originally Posted by Not_Judy

That's no attitude to have sir. Even if you think it, never say it. It's good to have a firm understanding of who you are but to say you're fugly doesn't do you any good. On the opposite end, do you need to be model if you have nice cars and razor sharp wit?

My wit doesn't matter on a swipe app. Most of the Tinder matches I get never even reply & I just unmatch em. That app sucks.

[G35POPPEDMYCHERRY]

dayum, i just go What up Ma !!!!!

[Joekerr]

Originally Posted by Never_Enough

My wit doesn't matter on a swipe app. Most of the Tinder matches I get never even reply & I just unmatch em. That app sucks.

By the way, did you get any responses from your new line "Come meet the worst person someone on BP has ever met in their life" that you said you were going to put on one of your profiles?

I'm curious.

And I'm loving these stories everyone has!

[CTinline-six]

Originally Posted by Never_Enough

I met a new one last night & shocker...another waste of time!

In her profile, she used "your" instead of "you're". My opening message to her was simply "You're*" You're 45, lady. You should know the difference by now.

She replied & we had a normal conversation & then exchanged numbers. This was Saturday. She couldn't come out to play then so we set a date for Monday. She texted me Sunday afternoon wanting to know if I would meet that evening.

Picked a local brewery and told her meet me there @ 6:30 PM & to let me know when she's on her way. She agrees.

Fast forward to 6 PM & no text. So I ask her if she is running late. 6:15 & she replies saying "Leaving now, sorry." Women, never on time.

Apparently there was an accident on the highway & she had to find another way blah blah. She finally arrives at 7:48. Thankfully, I was on top of it & asked her for her new ETA. No way was I going to wait outside or in there for her all night. It's so local I walked to the place.

She greets me with a handshake. I always find the handshake greeting for a date to be peculiar.

Proceed inside & chat & order our drinks & she gets nachos. Blah blah more normal talk until she busts out complaining about the correcting of her grammar. You'll also see her bitch about it in the pre-meet text message I have attached.

If this was such an issue for you, why did you not only reply in the 1st place, but then exchange numbers & agree to meet & then you whine about it shortly before our meeting too. Now you want to complain in person? Let. It. Go.

At that point, I was done. I said "This obviously isn't going anywhere, right?" She says yes & I get up & leave.

I'm going to offer you some advice, and please don't take this the wrong way because it isn't meant as an insult at all.

I've seen some of your messages you posted from POF, Tinder, and those texts, and I think the issue is you come off as a dick to someone who doesn't understand your sense of humor. Trust me, I know, because I have the same sense of humor and was getting the same results for awhile.

Women love to be teased and challenged, but if you come off as too aggressive at first, they will put up a wall because they see it as rude/insulting instead of playful/flirting.

The statement "nice guys finish last" is completely misleading. People who are too nice never keep someone's interest.

The key is to be nice to them at first, so they are more accepting and let their guard down so to speak. Once you're "in" then you can start with the teasing, witty jokes, etc. That is what keeps them interested and wanting more, then finish it off with being dominant in the bedroom and you're set. The key is having a nice "outer shell" as I call it, with a bit of a flirty edge that keeps them wondering.